Poison

Imagine this; you're frolicking down a meadow, let's say somewhere down a Yosemite meadow. The sun is shinning, the birds are singing, and you can see Bambi on the corner of your eye (Bambi reminds me of a song by the Sex Pistols). Anyway, majestic mountains are all around, a beautiful waterfall is in the background, and it drains into a peaceful flowing creek. God's magnificent work is all around you and then, as if someone pulls the needle from a phonograph record, you hear a screech where once there was beautiful music playing in the background and everything stops. You cover your ears, you make a face, and show your disgust. That happened to me yesterday (for the record this was on Tuesday, December 11, 2007 A.D.).

Maybe the picture I painted, before the screech, was a bit too dramatic but when I picked up the phone at work on this particular day I thought of that. The ex called. XXX marks the spot, ruined the movement, ruined the day, ruined the whole fricking day. Lately she never has anything good to say. She's so vindictive, she seems so inconsiderate, she's such a bitch (apologies to all the nice female doggies of the world). It now seems that when she speaks it's like poison coming out of her mouth when we talk.

To think that once her lips felt so wonderful, her mouth was so sweet, her heart was so pure. What happened? She was the center of my life, my beloved, and a caring wonderful mother to my kids. She would listen to me, she would inspire me, she filled my heart with love. What happened? We shared dreams, we loved the same type of music, we shared political beliefs, we shared our faith. What happened? I guess I will never know. Everything seemed so wonderful. She talked about faith and money, she talked about work and money, she talked about success and money. Soon everything turned to money and we fought over the lack of it as well. She began to spend time away from home to make money. Money became the center of her life and I was slowly pushed away from her life. Her love became money and I was pushed away. She spent more and more time away from home to make money. Sadly, oh so sadly, her children came after her work. More time was spent away and less time was devoted to the children. This became such a sad situation that a separation became a relief.

Although I was expecting the worst it came so unexpectedly. For 18 years she was the love of my life. I thought we had something special. It was like a beautiful sunny day and then as if I was in a bright lit room someone turned off the lights and everything went black. What the Fuck? I seemed to walk aimlessly, I walked into walls, it was like I was walking in my sleep. I could not awaken from a nightmare. The nightmare was that she walked out on her innocent loving children. That was the catastrophe of it all but it was also what kept me going. The children still needed a father, they needed a mother. I became both parents to them for the next 8+ years. They kept me going and the darkness began to disappear. I began to see the light, my children were/are my life. They are my inspiration, my children are the center of my life. My once broken heart has healed, my faith which was almost lost has brought me out of darkness and into the sunshine. All is well. As a friend from work says "Life is Good".

Going back to yesterday... now it seems like yesterday was ages ago. I'm able to write my thoughts and my feelings. I'm able to realize how lucky I am. I am able to think about the love and inspiration that's all around me.

Anyway, I feel much better. I do remind the reader(s) that there are always two sides to every story. I do however feel relief in writing, I feel relief in venting, I feel relief.

I wonder if I can put my ex on my "Do Not Call" list.